Looking Back, Looking Forward

Looking forward.  Many people have recently asked me what I’m most looking forward to when I return to the US this week (!!!).  Oh wow, I don’t have enough Spanish vocabulary to even begin expressing all that I’m looking forward to when I return. 

Lord willing, I’m going to step off the plane Wednesday morning and go straight into the arms of my fiancé.  And stay there for a solid 5 minutes without moving.  I’m then looking forward to stepping out of the Charlotte airport and being greeted with a nice, hot summer day.  I’m looking forward to the independence and privilege of having and using my car whenever I want.  I’m so looking forward to being with friends and seeing my church family again.  I’m looking forward to hitting up all my favorite and sorely missed food spots.  After a couple years of transitions and moves, I’m looking forward to having an apartment to go to.  My home.  I’m certainly looking forward to planning a wedding.  And, oh yeah, I’m looking forward to getting married!! 

With so much to look forward to in these days ahead, I was struck with a thought recently.  How much changes in a year’s time. Oh how God works.  I remember well the turmoil and deep, dark mire that I was nostril-deep in around this time last year.  I wouldn’t even bring it up, but I truly think it’s a beautiful thing to sing God’s praises as we look back on His faithfulness to us.  He’s faithful, not to give us answers to all of our questions or give us what we want, but to give us what we need: his sustaining Presence and the hope of eternal purpose and life with him.  I can only fumble for words as I consider the confusion and disappointments of this past year, but I have an entry in my prayer journal that expresses pretty vividly where I was at one year ago today…

3 June 2013

Weary.  Oh God, I am so weary.  Disillusioned.  Hopeless.  Dark with no light at the end of the tunnel.  Discouraged.  Sick and tired of failure, “re-direction,” shattered dreams and transition…and truly no hope or expectation for anything different for the rest of my  life.  And that makes me even more weary.  Hurt.  Confused.  Emotionally stupid: my feelings are so vivid, but often so up-and-down, I feel less emotionally stable than a teenager.  I wish I couldn’t feel.  I wish I wouldn’t think.  The alone-ness I often feel can come when I’m surrounded by friends.  It’s these feelings of alone-ness and hopelessness that I cannot escape.  Can’t run away from.  Can’t avoid.  Can’t ignore.  And really can’t deal with.  I don’t know what to do.  I’m weary, God.  Deeply discouraged.  I have been given so much, blessed in a multitude of ways.  You alone are reason for hope, for peace and joy; and yet you’ve also blessed me with abundantly more than that.  YET still I am floundering.  So many things I feel so helpless, hopeless and incapable of changing.  And I feel paralyzed to make any major decisions.  I’m certainly tired of having desires.  I’m weary of pursuing what excites me, dreams and desires, only to see them stopped, taken away, or shattered before me.  I’m tired of the unknown: which truly seems like every aspect of my life.  I feel like a pathetic failure and a directionless, pointless, purposeless idiot.  What am I doing?  Why are you allowing me to live? And the hurt and aching in my heart – pain that will not be removed with wisdom or discernment of my next steps – is this hurt all my fault, too?  All because I allow self-pity, pride, and expectations of “my rights” to harass my mind and heart until I am miserable.  I keep thinking the oppressive heaviness is just a moment of weakness…if it is, I’m getting weaker and weaker.  I’m tired, God.  Surrounded by disappointment, failure, hopelessness, hurt, frustration, fear, anger, disillusionment, desperation and weariness.  I don’t know where to go from here in life – geographically, job-wise, relationship-wise, ministry-wise, financially – and I really don’t care.  I have no energy to form new dreams or have new desires.  I certainly have no enthusiasm at the prospect of seeing future hopes and desires fall to pieces in my hands.  I’m struggling to have enthusiasm in life and in you, God…and yet I know there is nothing else.  I know so much truth from your Word, Lord, yet knowing it isn’t changing my weariness, my hurt, my hopelessness.  This is where I’m at, God.  Exhausted.  So sick and tired of knowing, of desiring, of yearning, and yet not seeing. Not fully believing.  I need faith that resists the temptation to be CONSUMED with what I feel and what is surrounding me.  Because I’ve become consumed.  Overwhelmed.  Stricken.  Flailing and failing miserably.  I need help, God.  ONLY YOU can redeem this dense-minded sheep from the dark and oppressive pit that I’ve allowed myself to fall into.  Please, Lord Jesus.  Save me!

…And he did.  A couple thousand years ago.  And he is still at work today.

I can testify on this June 3^rd with joy that - just as God told Paul - His grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

Well, that’s it for this Monday’s post.  I hope to see many of you back in the US soon!!

Ahhh, success!

After much time and work, I present to you: OUR WEDDING WEBSITE!!!

Tim and Rach ~ Wedding Wire

We've put a lot of time into sharing stories of our history together, of our engagement, of our lives before we met...everything :).  And the RSVP tool....makes me excited.  Can't wait for it to get put to good use!

Check it all out at weddingwire.com/timandrach

Happy Monday!!

111 more days...

Lléname

It's already been a couple weeks since I shared Chapter One of my so-called "heart update".  I think it's time for round 2...

Today I'll simply share a prayer that I wrote back in March.  I think it summarizes well thoughts and struggles that are continually churning within me.

I've titled this post Lléname (Fill me), the refrain of a song that we sing in church here.   This term has reverberated through my thoughts and heart often since that first morning that I heard it used.

17 March 2013
God, I really sense that you are leading me through a breaking period.  I woke up this morning with a heavy heart once again, thinking through all that's been on my mind recently...and then I realized: this is part of me dying to myself (Luke 9:23/ Matthew 16:24/ Mark 8:34).  This is part of your work, God, stripping me of vain enjoyment and selfish pursuits.  This is the weight of reality...the reality that there IS cost in following you.  We are called to give up and surrender EVERYTHING to be your follower.  And the reality is that YOU ARE WORTHY OF THIS.  We aren't worthy to be called Your followers, Your worshipers, Your own children.  But you've made it possible.

Help me, Lord, to SURRENDER.  HELP ME, Lord, to be REFINED by the powerful FIRE of Your Holy Spirit.  Be faithful and powerful in your ongoing breaking, refocusing, and molding of Tim and I both!!!

It's painful.  Not fun.  The shattering and crashing of my vain and self-consumed heart as it comes into the atmosphere of the REALITY of your glory.  The reality of my existence in you and for you.  I'm not alive to have fun.  I'm not alive to be comfortable.  I'm not alive to establish a happy life and a self-fulfilling existence.  Lord God Almighty, I'm your follower, and my calling as such is to GIVE UP this world around me in order to pursue YOUR GLORY.  To LIVE for you.  Not just make mention of you.  Not just make occasional choices that honor you above myself.  Not to simply claim with the words of my mouth that I am yours and that I want to live for you.  As your work is churning within me and breaking my will and selfish pursuits, I must think:  Do I really want this?  This is what I've asked for...but am I willing to truly be broken and transformed?  Lord, by your grace and your power, YES.

I pray against complacency.  I pray against spiritual blindness and self-consumed, self-gratifying living. I pray against empty pursuits and empty living: against accepting the outfight LIES of the enemy...lies that life is about me and for my comfort, my fulfillment, my glory.

Keep churning.  Keep breaking.  May your heart-work in me be like a hurricane, wreaking havoc on my sinful, human pursuits and desires.  Do damage.  Make my human, sinful perspective unsalvageable.  FILL ME with your purpose, your pursuits, your power, your perspective.  Fill me with your prayers, your heart.  Just as your work will faithfully persevere in my heart all the way to perfect completion in you (Philippians 1:6), give me perseverance and faithfulness to SUBMIT to your work and PURSUE your glory (Philippians 3:12-14, Hebrews 12:1-2, Romans 5:2-5)!!!!  Help my enjoyment of and love for all other things in life to look/seem like HATE in comparison to how I'm drawn to you and how I love and pursue you (Luke 14:26).

Lléname.

Pictures, Pictures!

One month later, I'm finally getting around to uploading my personal selection of pictures from Perú.  Even for those of you without Facebook, simply click on this link and you will have access to my Perú photo album on Facebook: PERÚ: My First 2 Months on the Southern Hemisphere.
Enjoy ...and yes, I will be posting an album in the near future devoted solely to my Peruvian food experiences.  :)

Life's a Tent

I promised in my last post some more personal heart-updates would be coming soon.  Although it's now almost 12:30 am, I think I'll take some time to fulfill Part 1 of that promise (thanks to the fact that my body has yet to get used to drinking copious amounts of coffee at 5 and 6 in the afternoon).


Over the past couple months, I have been making my way - creeping along, really - through the books of 1 and now 2 Peter.  As I was reading this week in 2 Peter 1, a very simple word stood out to me: body.  OK, it helped that there was a footnote next to it.  In verses 13 and 14, Peter refers to the quickly-approaching "putting off of his body," but the footnote pointed out that the Greek word he actually used was the word for tent.  

This analogy instantly resonated in my mind.  After 4 separate packing/moving ventures in the past year, I've now been living in an extreme variety of living situations in 4 different cities and out of one large and un-thrilling suitcase for the past 2 and a half months.  The idea of having a home, a place where I can settle down, call my own, and actually unpack...wow, I can't say how exciting that is to think about (especially when I think about having a home with Tim).  I long for that.  The transient, temporary, always moving and never fully belonging?  That gets tiring.  But, wow.  That's what life here on earth is.  This life, this body that I have...is just a tent.  Temporary.  Transient.  Insecure.  Ultimately insufficient.  Absolutely unworthy of the investment of a lifetime of work.  It's not home.  It's not what my hope is in.  There's so much more to live for than the accumulation of nice things for my tent.  Than working to make this tent more attractive and appealing.  When I think with this perspective of the transience of life, I feel the weight of the worthless, vain emptiness in so many of my pursuits.  And that leads me to flash back a couple weeks ago to further thoughts that God has been leading me to wrestle through.

During one of our almost-nightly FaceTime conversations, Tim asked me what I thought about one day going as missionaries to an unreached people group.  Immediately images of some remote land with more insects than human beings and zero electricity came to mind, and I felt this sigh in my heart because I realized how much I cling to my comforts and desires for material goods, close friendships...and the list could stretch on for pages.  But then the defiance and dread were literally silenced in my heart, and I just started crying.  Crying because I realized that there's no excuse...no way that these things that I hold so dear could ever be more important than SOULS...souls of people who have NEVER even heard the name of Jesus Christ or had the opportunity to see what it looks like to live in the joy, hope, and peace of Christ.  There's just no excuse.  Yet it's hard.  Hard especially because I'm here in South America now, separated from many of my creature comforts.  Hard thinking about permanently living in a land that is not home.  Away from close friends and family and customs and traditions and all things comfortable.  Hard because I know I'm only getting a taste of what that would be like, and it already feels super difficult at times.  BUT in all of this I know God has me HERE, giving me THIS perspective, for a reason.  I want HIS heart work to continue, as I know that it will.  He is so good in the way he tenderly, gradually guides us and gently (although yes, often painfully) molds us to be more like Him.  I'm really thankful for Tim and the way he continually challenges me to think about the purpose of life and the purpose of our relationship and marriage.  I'm thankful to know that I will be marrying a man who recognizes that, yes, there is cost involved in following Jesus Christ.  God has already begun to use Tim as an instrument to stretch my faith and assist in God's transforming work in me.  

As for our future, I have no idea what that will look like.  NO earthly idea.  But I'm thankful that God knows, and He is faithfully at work in preparing Tim and I for whatever He wants for us to do.  My prayer is that we will be fully surrendered to God's will and work in and through us, regardless of where and what.  

Further updates to come, but that's enough for now.  Buenas noches!

It's About Time

How full I am of updates, and how little time I've dedicated to sharing these updates!  After over two full weeks in Uruguay, I continue to be amazed at how different this country is from Perú.  Not that this should be a surprise...they ARE different countries.  But anyways, I'll dedicate this post to sharing some initial observations and interesting facts I've discovered from my time here in Uruguay.

Whereas in Perú my height, "blond" hair, and white skin made it obvious that I was a foreigner (a gringa, that is),  in Uruguay I blend right in.  The population here is very European, with most Uruguayans being first, second, or third generation immigrants from Spain, Italy, France and Germany.  There is actually no indigenous population here as a result of a genocide that literally wiped out the aboriginals a couple hundred years ago.  Because of this, Uruguay is a unique blend of cultures.  Italian food and family-culture are all over.  Most names for the fruits and vegetables are not actually Spanish, but rather Portuguese as a result of the close proximity to Brazil.  German seems to be a second language here.  Just like in Argentina, yerba maté is as much a part of daily life as putting on shoes.  Social events happen quite a bit later here than in the US, like in much of Europe.  I've been to several dinners that did not even begin until 10:30pm, and that's quite average.

The Spanish that is spoken here is very, very different from the Spanish spoken in Perú (and most everywhere else in Latin America) as well. I thought Peruvians spoke fast until I came here.  Not only do Uruguayans whisk through sentences without me even realizing that they've actually spoken, but their sentence structure and their accents are completely different as well.  As is also the case in Argentina, the "ya" sound becomes a "shh", so words like playa (beach) and yo (I) become playsha and show.  Their Spanish often sounds to me much more like a blend of Italian and French than Spanish.  ...Of course, that's when I can pick out words to make sense of them in the first place :).

Religion is also a very different matter here in Uruguay.  Although Catholicism exists, there is certainly not a deeply rooted foundation in the Catholic church or in religion at all.  The area that I am in is less than 2% evangelical Christian, and this is about on par with the rest of Montevideo.  There are towns along the coast that have no churches and less than 1% evangelical believers.  The absence of the Catholic church has offered more of an opportunity for other cults and belief-systems to become popular here, and Uruguay has the highest percentage of agnostics and atheists in all of Latin America as a result. In a country that seems to lack very little (Uruguay has a consistently strong and stable middle-class, also the highest percentage in Latin America), people don't have much interest in or "need" for religion.

But there is need here.  Look past the relative economic stability, the functioning government, the sense of safety from any type of natural disaster....and there is emptiness.  Vacancy in expressions.  Vain pursuits that lead to discontentment and damage.  Hope in all things which lead to hopelessness.  Uruguay also leads Latin America in another aspect: they have the highest suicide rates on the continent (some statistics say in the entire Western hemisphere).  Yes, there are needs here, and no amount of stability, affluence, or comfort can buy a solution to these needs.

Enter SIM into this picture.  The ministry perspective here looks different from other countries in South America where SIM serves.  Very different.  And it's a beautiful thing!  Ministry is done not so much through established programs and community outreaches as just through life.  Through relationship.  Through spending intentional time listening, talking, growing with, and supporting friends and contacts.    I've been quite challenged and humbled as God is continually transforming my perspective on what life should be as His follower, and seeing the compelling fluidity with which His work is being carried out here in Uruguay has certainly grown my perspective in exciting and abundant ways!

On that note, I have a few heart-updates and disruptions that I would like to share more about, but not in this post.  Soon.  Very soon.  But for now,  I'm off to make lunch!

                                       
                                          A view of Montevideo, driving down La Rambla (that beautiful stretch of
                                          sidewalk is where I run most days...it overlooks the beach of the Rio de la
                                         Plata and stretches for miles: love it!)                                                           
                      

                                         A little park area near downtown Montevideo.  Greenery actually exists here!

                                         To say that I was ecstatic to find that there was an Armenian restaurant here
                                         would be a vast understatement.  And the food was delicious!  DELICIOUS!

               
                                            Sonia and I in the center of Montevideo, near la Ciudad Vieja.
                                           As you can tell, Uruguay is not a super-warm place right now.   :(
                                   

"Hello Goodbye"

After an extended absence from the blogging world, I return with both a farewell to Perú and greetings from a new country.

Much of the month of February was spent in Arequipa, Perú (about an hour/hour and a half plane ride from Lima).  I thoroughly enjoyed the city of Arequipa: the mountains and volcanoes made quite a picturesque backdrop, the oh-so-low humidity was a refreshingly stark contrast to life in South Carolina (or Lima for that matter), the historic churches and multitude of restaurants and markets made exploring the city an ongoing and enjoyable experience. The one downside to my visit to Arequipa was that I arrived during the peak of rainy season.  Although the weather remained quite nice for the most part, my one mass-flooding-and-chaos-while-being-stranded-on-a-bus-with-no-way-to-communicate-my-wish-to-just-go-ahead-and-die experience was, well, enough.  Enough for me to hate rainy season.  Despise it, actually.  And also enough to praise God for every day thereafter that did not end in torrential downpours and utter pandemonium. 

The reason that I went to Arequipa was not really to spend time in the city at all, but rather to work at an SIM-related youth camp outside the city in a tiny town called Vitor.  Camp la Joya is located in a strangely beautiful valley surrounded on all sides by sandy smooth mountains.  Although the two main directors are North Americans, the staff and campers were almost all Peruvians.  Armed with my two weeks of language preparation, I felt about as prepared as David marching out to face Goliath when I arrived at camp.  Unfortunately, no miracles happened on my behalf as I attempted to survive and succeed in this total culture and language immersion.  Yet I was fully aware of God’s presence and His work through these weeks at camp, and I know He wastes NOTHING in our lives. 

In an attempt to fit a month’s worth of details into one blog, here are a few high and low-lights of my time at camp:

The Least Faves….

-       --     Not being able to communicate anything more than simple sentences and creative gestures.  I missed having real conversations, or even being able to make a passing joke or remark just to connect with those around me.  The inability to  communicate efficiently also was a problem when there was much going on, much to get done, and little understanding of how I could best help….so basically, all the time :).

-       --     The mosquitos.  After week one, I was basically a large, walking, swollen mosquito bite.  In the proceeding weeks, I got smart and coated myself hourly in bug spray. Smart, I guess, if bathing in deet could ever be considered a good idea.

-       --     Cold showers.  These weren’t nearly as bad as I was expecting, but there was always that initial moment of, “I so miss hot water right now” as I plunged myself under the torrent (or sometimes trickle, depending on the current water situation) of cold water.

The Highlights…

-       --     God’s love and His work being so evident.  I saw it in the way people smiled, graciously included me, and showed me great forbearance and patience as I continually fumbled through miserable attempts at communicating with them.  I saw it in the way the staff prayed for the campers and poured into their lives.  I saw it in the beaming smiles and hard work of the cocineras (the cooks).  I saw it overflowing from the smiles and laughter of the kids.  And God continually encouraged me at just the right moment, regardless of how discouraged or weary I was feeling. 

-       --     The natural beauty surrounding us.  Every day, throughout the day, I would look around me and just think, “Wow, God.  WOW.”  Pictures will be posted, but they don’t do justice to the intricate, vast, serene beauty of His creation.

-       --     Working with the horses!  As a little girl, riding horses and working in a stable would have been a dream-come-true.  Well, as a 27-year-old, I finally got a piece of that dream :).  I loved being with the horses, and loved seeing the kids’ reactions as they were able to ride these big, beautiful creatures. 

-       --     The cocineras.  These women worked long hours to create different meals from-scratch every day.  They always had beautiful smiles as they served the unending lines of people at each mealtime.  They also loved when people loved their food. I was happy to oblige.

-       --     Cleaning the bathrooms.  Although cleaning hairy, nasty camp bathrooms and showers doesn’t generally make my list of all-time favorite pastimes, I really grew to look forward to the days when I was delegated to bathroom duty (which ended up being most days).  It was something that I knew how to do and do well, and I didn’t need to depend on my language ability to get the job done.  And yeah, there’s something extremely satisfying about slinging around massive amounts of soap while I myself am covered in 9 layers of dirt, sweat, bug spray, sunscreen, and more dirt.

Apart from camp, my weekends and the last week have been spent visiting with missionaries, seeing quite a range of different ministries, and enjoying the country and culture of Perú.   God has truly orchestrated some great conversations and is continuing to grow my perspective of His work and His purposes.

As of today, chapter one of my trip is finished.  I arrived in Montevideo, Uruguay just before 5:30 this morning.  All at once, it seems like no time has passed and yet forever has gone by since saying goodbye in Charlotte at the beginning of the year. 

Indeed, much has transpired in these two months.  I don’t know what these next three months in Uruguay will look like, but God is SO good as He shepherds me through both peaceful pastures as well as unknown valleys.  He is so generous to allow me the opportunity to see and experience His work in different countries, different cultures, and alongside different fellow servants of His.  I look forward to sharing more soon.